My husband and I lost our son to a drug overdose – to the disease of addiction. I hope you’ll find these 10 steps helpful. There are probably more ideas that I could include to help you get through this process but I leave that up to you to add your own personal steps. For grief is a very personal journey.

Those of us who have suffered the ultimate loss – that of our beloved child – all experience profound heartbreak, but we don’t necessarily grieve in the same way. Some of us will turn to family traditions, others will turn to friends and clergy and others will flounder not having any idea how to survive this ordeal.

Of all the steps listed here I think acceptance is the hardest; it’s the one we fight against the most. We do not want to accept that our child is gone…but we must if we are to ever reclaim any semblance of a happy or normal life.

We will never again be the person we used to be and we must accept that and hope that our friends and family will also accept this new person we’ve become.

What has helped me the most since that devastating day of December 1, 2002, is the knowledge that our son would not want us to suffer. He loved us too much to want us to spend the rest of our lives in abject misery and despair. So I remember that. I live, knowing that this is what he would want for us.

I can now smile, enjoy a laugh, sometimes a really good belly laugh. But while I’m smiling and laughing on the outside, my heart is still broken. He is never more than a thought away. He would appreciate that but more than anything he would want me to accept this new life and smile. So I do. I wish the same for you.

1. Accept what fate has dealt you. This has to be the hardest step and in fact some might say this step should be at the very bottom of the list because it takes so long to reach this point. However, there has to be some initial acceptance of what has happened before you can truly progress to the next steps.
2. Cry, scream, rant and rave – whatever it takes to help get you through. This is not the time for self-control. If you need to unleash your fury, buy some old plates at a flea market or yard sale and hurl them with abandon at the fence or the ground. It’s amazing how this can relieve tension.
3. Listen to your own inner voice. Do not listen to the advice of others who may not know your heartbreak. Even if they have suffered the same loss as you, they are not you! Only you know how to grieve the loss of your loved one.
4. Understand that you loved passionately and that you will grieve passionately.
5. Do not put any unrealistic deadlines on your mourning period. Some cultures have placed a one year mourning period and wear black clothing for that duration. To think that you will be through with mourning and grief in one year is self-delusional. Ask anyone who has lost a child if a year is long enough to mourn and grieve.
6. It can help to write your feelings in a journal, recalling fond memories of your loved one. Things that you think you will never forget have a way of slipping down the thought hole in times of grief.
7. You might ask to have someone contact the doctor, or a nurse or funeral home director to cut a lock of their hair. You won’t think of that at the time but as time goes by you may find yourself asking why you didn’t get that lock of hair, just as you got the lock of hair during his or her first haircut.
8. If possible, ask for the clothing they were wearing when they died. This can be an enormous source of comfort to you, smelling their clothes, perhaps picking up the scent of their favorite cologne or perfume. Even cigarette smoke, if they were smokers, can cling to their clothing and will be meaningful to you because it is their cigarette smoke. Although the scent won’t last forever it can be a comfort to you in the initial time of mourning. Many people put their child’s clothing in a vacuum sealed plastic bag, opening it from time to time to inhale their child’s scent. This is not crazy, this is grief.
9. Even if you think you don’t need it, it is helpful to seek others who have suffered a similar loss. There are many bereavement support groups on the internet in addition to local groups such as The Compassionate Friends. It’s wonderful to share your grief in person with others but if you are a private person or have difficulty attending meetings, the internet can help you get through these trying times. You won’t find a local support group at 3 a.m. but you can go online and pour your heart out to your internet soul mates. Even if they aren’t online at that hour, you will at least be able to vent your feelings and know that soon someone will respond.
10. Acceptance – again. Accept that you didn’t cause your loved one’s death and that you can’t go back in time to change things. Try to avoid the What Ifs; (What if we had not divorced, what if we had not moved, etc.) they will only add to your grief and impede your progress. Remember that it’s not what happens to us in life, but how we deal with it. We choose our attitude. In the early stages of grief and mourning we don’t do much choosing. We just let our emotions wash over us and give in to them. That’s fine. That’s normal. But after a certain amount of time – that you determine – you begin wanting to live again, wanting to smile without feeling guilty. You will want to recall memories of your child with a smile. Healing tears will eventually be replaced by healing smiles.